


In Which Bond and Q Are NOT Dating

by hicstans



Category: Skyfall (2012) - Fandom
Genre: 5+1 Things, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-02
Updated: 2016-04-02
Packaged: 2018-05-30 15:53:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,524
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6430831
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hicstans/pseuds/hicstans
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Translation by 사은(river_deep )</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Exactly what it says on the tin, in which Bond and Q are NOT dating, 5 times plus 1 style.</p>
            </blockquote>





	In Which Bond and Q Are NOT Dating

**Author's Note:**

  * A translation of [본드와 Q가 사귀지 않는 이야기](https://archiveofourown.org/works/674355) by [hicstans](https://archiveofourown.org/users/hicstans/pseuds/hicstans). 



1\. Tanner

It was customary for Tanner to visit Q during work hours. Every time, Q would complain why would anyone need paper documents in this day and age, Tanner would reply it’s better for security reasons, and take the required reports.  
However, something was different that day.  
After Q had denounced the oldfashioned custom of handwritten signature and the hordes of outdated people who’d never let go of it, Tanner asked something which had nothing to do with the forms or reports.  
“Well, Q.”  
“Yes?”  
“Are you dating Bond?”  
Q couldn't help drawing a long harsh line across the document he was just about to sign.  
“Wait, what? What are you talking about?”  
“It’s fine if you want to keep it under wraps, I don’t want to pry or”  
“How can you reach such a ridiculous conclusion?”  
Tanner was going to be quite breezy about Q’s response, but Q seemed genuinely surprised so he was in turn surprised by it.  
“Well, if you wanted to keep it a secret, why did you date so close to work?”  
Q was now staring at Tanner as if he was mad.  
“What nonsense is this? Me and Bond? That James Bond? On dates?” Then he burst out laughing. “Fiddlesticks.”  
If this was the kind of acting skills he had, Q should be an actor, thought Tanner.  
“Fine. Then how do you explain people spotting you two in a restaurant?”  
Q blinked. Then he tilted his head.  
“Oh,” he said, as if he just recalled the occasion. “Last week... what day was it? Anyway you are talking about that, right? In an Indian place. Bond complained forever about how the canteen in the headquarters serve terrible food, then said we should eat something edible and dragged me there against my will.”  
Tanner couldn’t understand how that was meant to work as a contradictory statement against the eyewitness account about them dating.  
“So you accompanied him when he wanted to eat out?”  
“Why not? We don’t get on but we are colleagues, so dinner with him isn’t impossible.”  
When put like that, it sounded reasonable.  
“Still... with Bond ?”  
“I must admit he has good tastes, food wise,” Q seemed to hate making this concession.  
“That place was wonderful. Want to come with me sometime?”  
“No. I’m all right.”  
Tanner carefully took a backward step. He wasn’t sure if Q was testing him or was genuine with his invitation, but he didn’t want to get involved. Q might really think that, but it was Bond they was talking about.  
He carefully gathered the documents and left Q’s office, wondering how to advise Q to not get too close to Bond without making him suspicious.

 

2\. Moneypenny

Bond was back from a mission. As usual Q was furious with him and was berating him ceaselessly. He was even chasing after him to do so.  
“This time seems worse than usual,” Eve approached them as if she was playing the mediator, not to save Bond but to play a hand in this interesting situation. “What’s wrong, Q? Bond breaking the weapons and equipments are everyday occurrence now, isn’t it? What did he do this time to make you so mad?”  
“It’s not about just equipments this time,” Q answered defensively, as if he was insulted.  
“That is maddening too, but he nearly died this time, again.”  
“Well, that’s usual too.”  
“If it was his usual neardeath thing, I wouldn’t even bother to mention it,” Q suddenly reached out and poked Bond’s side. But before his hand could make contact, Bond snatched his wrist away.  
“That’s low, Q, poking where it hurts.”  
“What’s low is you going around as if you are okay when you are not,” Q retorted. “And it wasn’t one of those unavoidable things like getting hurt from a combat. You jumped right into it. Into a building that was burning and collapsing. When you were hurt and couldn’t even run properly.”  
Bond laughed.  
“You have no faith in me, Q. I was sure I’d make it out alive.”  
“Shut up, you might have been sure, but did you consider how I felt? Me, who was listening and watching you do that?” Q growled as if he’d lash out at Bond. Bond smiled and lifted his hands up.  
“Right, fine. Next time, I will try to solve the problem in a less anxiety inducing manner.”  
“Stop with your empty words. Don’t indulge in your hobby when you are working.”  
“I really will try, so don’t get angry. You’ll get wrinkles on that pretty face.”  
Bond tried to pat Q’s head. Q grabbed that hand and twisted it. It wouldn’t have hurt Bond at all, but when he pretended as if it hurt, just slightly, Q seemed satisfied and let go of him.  
“I’ll leave you to it, since I always have work to do unlike some people. Oh, please go to the medical,” with that, Q was turning to go when his eyes locked with Eve’s. “Eve, will you drag that pigheaded manchild to the medical?”  
“With pleasure, Q. With pleasure,” Eve grabbed Bond’s arm. He sighed.  
“I’m going to follow up later, and if I find out you haven’t been, I am anaesthetising you and dragging you there myself,” and leaving that threat behind, Q disappeared.  
Eve smirked and poked Bond’s uninjured side.  
“When did you guys start going out?”  
“Hm?” Bond, who was looking at Q’s back, turned to Eve with an incredulous expression (as if he had heard a completely unexpected wacky comment) on his face. “What are you talking about?”  
“Aren’t you two... going out? You and Q?”  
Bond frowned.  
“How can you say that? As if I’d go out with a greenhorn like him.”  
Eve’s smile faltered a little.  
“Then what was that just now? About not making him worry and even saying you will try and stuff?”  
“Him worrying is his business, I can’t do anything about that. I only pretend to listen to get the nagging done and over with more quickly.”  
Eve blinked. Of course it could be interpreted that way, too.  
“Well, let’s move on. I bet he is glaring at my tracking signal and grumbling that I’m not going to the medical. The injury isn’t so bad and I already did first aid, but he bugs me so.”  
She shook her head. This was not on. Bond was going to medical by his own will. Whatever he said, it was clear that something extraordinary was happening.

 

3\. Mallory

They were gathered in the director’s office, planning their next mission. Looking at the approximate plan they agreed on, Q frowned.  
“Isn’t the schedule a bit too tight? He isn’t a young man anymore, you know.”  
Eve turned away to giggle. Bond glared at Q.  
“Let me remind you; I once was in action for 75 hours straight, successfully infiltrated an enemy base, and made a safe return.”  
“I do admit you are working hard to keep in shape. Still, take care.”  
“Yes, mommy.”  
Bond turned his head and focused on the wall, putting up a nonchalant front. Mallory, Tanner, and Moneypenny were all trying their hardest to not burst out laughing. Q glaring at them to quench their mirth only made it worse.  
“Anyway,” M cleared his throat to change the subject. “This undercover assignment is highly sensitive and requires fresh intel to be constantly updated, so keep your radio on 24 hours and don’t you ever drop it in a glass of martini.”  
“Urgh.”  
Surprisingly, the agonised groan was not from Bond but Q.  
“Q? Isn’t it good if Bond doesn’t break his radio?” Mallory, the leader he is, asked the question everybody else was wondering about.  
“That would be nice, but when I think about how I’ll have to listen to him snoring all night...”  
“I don’t snore,” Bond retorted instantly.  
“You do.”  
“Do not.”  
“Maybe you didn’t when you were young but you do now. Or maybe the women you slept with were overly considerate and pretended that you don’t?”  
Bond backpedalled.  
“At least it isn’t loud enough to distress someone.”  
“I know that. And you don’t snore every night,” Q shrugged.  
“Then when does he snore?” asked Eve.  
“When he is exhausted, I think. If he sleeps less than three hours during 24 hours approximately, the frequency increases rapidly.”  
“Don’t tell me you analysed it,” Bond grumbled, dumbfounded.  
“It’s my duty to understand you thoroughly.”  
“At least keep such personal and miniscule things to yourself.”  
“I would like to, but I can’t help it this time.”  
“This time?” Tanner asked.  
“I was going to make a programme which extracts a certain pattern from audio data and filter it automatically. Listening to someone snoring when you are on a night shift does affects the morale of the team somewhat, you know.”  
“You mean your morale?”  
“Whoever.”  
“Anyway,” M rubbed his forehead and cut the chatter short, “refer to the reference materials for the details. Now go and get ready, you two. Bond needs to be in Moldova in two days time.”  
He shooed the two of them out of his office. Silence reigned for a while in the office.  
“Now that...” Eve began, “isn’t simple dating; it’s more like a married couple, don’t you think?”  
Mallory uttered a long groan and clutched his head.  
“But they are vehemently denying it. And it doesn’t look like they’re lying,” said Tanner.  
“Then is it one of those? You know, office husbands?”  
“Even if it were that, they really should show consideration to people around them. It’s a bit embarrassing for us to watch them at it.”  
“Show consideration? Those two?”  
“Ah, well...”  
“Don’t you have something to do also?”  
Startled, Tanner and Moneypenny quickly gathered up the documents.  
After kicking everyone out of the room, Mallory began to agonize over this issue. How could this be solved?

 

4\. Q Branch

James Bond was hovering around Q again today. This happened all the time when he wasn’t on a mission, and sometimes even when he was on a mission, so by now Q’s subordinates were used to his presence.  
Didn’t mean they were comfortable or friendly with him though. To them, Bond was a corrosive element who could turn their workplace into a living hell by irritating and teasing and generally making Q lose his temper.  
“You must have nothing to do if you’re hanging around this place,” said Q while keeping his eyes glued to the monitor; still he swatted Bond’s hand away when he tried to take a biscuit from the plate beside the keyboard.  
“Don’t be mean. Aren’t you going to bestow a biscuit on someone who puts his life on the line for the country?”  
“Don't try to extort daily bread from someone who is busy cleaning up the mess you create, and go do your job.”  
“Apparently I am on a break.”  
“Well, then have a break.”  
“Q, you are looking down on my recuperative powers.”  
“Then go play,” and all this time Q's fingers were ceaselessly typing on his keyboard.  
“Well, it seems everyone is busy and don't want to play with me,” Bond said in a mournful voice. By this time the only person working in the department was Q, as all his subordinates could not concentrate because of Bond, or rather, the combination of Bond and Q.  
“Then go amuse yourself.”  
“What can I do to amuse myself? Any recommendations?” Bond rested his arm on the back of Q's chair and leaned forward.  
“There is something suitable for you,” said Q.  
“What is it?” Bond asked, quite expectant.  
“It is called corpseplay. You lie on your stomach, flat, in the middle of the street or a rooftop and stay still like a corpse. Then a satellite pick you up so your picture turns up on Google Earth. I think it is a kind of hobby that suits you well. Ah, but you shouldn't disturb the traffic; maybe don't do it on the streets,” Q replied, all serious.  
Bond looked aghast, and people couldn't stop themselves from gigging.  
Q stopped typing. The Q branch fell deathly silent.  
Q sighed.  
“Fine, if you are so bored maybe you can help me.”  
“With what?” Bond tensed.  
“You can test my new firearm. It has passed the safety test so you don't have to worry too much,” and Q patted Bond’s shoulder. “I think you will like it. Why don't you go down to the shooting range and get prepared? I need to finish this first. It won't take more than ten minutes so don't look at me like that.”  
Others could not see what kind of expression Bond had on his face at all.  
“Then I will go ahead and meet you there.” As he left, everyone nearly let out a collective sigh of relief but they remembered Q was still here.  
“Dear me,” said Q, “don't get so anxious when Bond is here. It's not like he will be using his license to kill around this place.”  
They wondered if there was any way they could somehow tell Q that they were scared of ‘Q frustrated by bond’ rather than Bond himself.  
“Still, you became close considering how it was at first,” commentee one brave soul. “You used to… get angry when Agent Bond dropped in.”  
“Not like he listens when I am angry.”  
“Still both of you are much more civil. Before, you would never have given him a toy… I mean ask him to participate in testing.”  
Q shook his head.  
“I am trying to see if forming an attachment to his equipment will increase the return ratio. And I am not close to Bond.”  
He wrapped up his work with lightning speed and closed his laptop.  
“If he mentions his car one more time, I will draw a garage on a piece of paper…”  
Q left the office. After confirming he has really gone, some people wiped their computer screens.  
“I think you can only say stuff like that if you are quite close…” one person ventured tentatively.  
“It isn't just ‘quiet close’, is it,” his neighbour sighed.  
“When are they going to stop being like this?”  
“You tell me.”

 

5\. Kincade

One quiet evening Bond phoned Kincade. After the previous incident, the old man asked him to call every now and then just to let him know he is still alive. Oh, the mellowing powers of age. And Bond, while not that mellowed by age but who may have been slightly mellowed by the same incident, agreed to do so. While he grumbled and regretted his promise, Bond still called him once in two months or so, in an irregular manner.  
There was not much to say. Bond couldn't talk about his job and didn't have a life outside work. He lamely mentioned that he’s been to eastern Europe and didn't know what else to say.  
“So,” Kincade cleared his throat. “How are things with that lad, Q?”  
For a moment Bond wondered if he heard right.  
“Are you asking after… Q? I guess he is doing fine. Why?”  
“What I mean is, er, if you two are getting on.”  
It took some time for Bond to understand what he meant.  
“Q and… me? Wait, he is a man, well, a boy yet.”  
“They hire under age kids over there?”  
“No, what I am saying is… well, he is a legal adult. I think.” Though Q was vehement that he was over thirty, Bond had no inclination to believe that.  
“That's dandy, then, who cares about age and gender and that these days? As long as you get on and love one another that's good.”  
Bond was tempted to ask what kind of ‘these days’ he was talking about.  
“Kincade, maybe you should see the doc…”  
“Oi, don't you dare think I am going bonkers.”  
He did sound too energetic for that, to be sure.  
“I think you are misunderstanding something. Q and I aren't like that.”  
“Don't you try to hide it, I understand.”  
‘No, you aren't understanding it at all…’  
When Bond didn't say anything, after a while Kincade asked, ever so carefully.  
“You aren't dating?”  
“Not even close.”  
“......Really?” He sounded disappointed. “But you talk about him all the time when you call me.”  
“Do I?” Bond tried to recall their past conversations. Maybe he did. Q was the only subject he could talk about which was not confidential or womenrelated.  
Though most of it was along the lines of ‘young ones these days, etc.’  
“But I only complain about him. How did you reach that conclusion?”  
“Well, it is rare for you to talk about one person constantly, you know…”  
“Kincade!”  
“Fine, fine. I misunderstood.”  
They talked a bit about the weather in Scotland, then hung up.  
He did his call duty and a weird misunderstanding was resolved.  
Yet Bond still felt uneasy.  
‘What is this?’

 

+1. Everybody, plus Bond and Q

In a small meeting room located somewhere obscure in MI6, five people were sat behind doors which simply said ‘TOP SECRET’ putting their heads together.  
“I don't think any explanation is necessary for this current situation we are in,” said M, beginning the meeting with gravitas that was suitable for his position. “If anyone has solutions or any ideas that would lead to a resolution, please feel free to speak up.”  
“Can't we just tell them to date upfront?” asked Tanner. “They won't take the hint if we were subtle about it and try to make it happen by arranging matters. I mean, they are already doing all that themselves.”  
“How about we send them to a remote island and make sure there is no returning ferry?”  
One of Q branch man spoke up, but flinched when Tanned looked at him.  
“We would have done that already if there was a good enough excuse,” Eve laughed.  
Tanned ignored her and went on.  
“If we tell them upfront and find out they really aren't going out as they say, we can tell them everyone is suffering because of them and this might make them watch how they act around each other.”  
“That is all well and good. So who is going to tell them?” said the other representative from the Q branch.  
“Who else but…” Tanned looked at M. M glared at Tanner; but when he looked around, everyone was looking at him.  
“Any other ideas?” asked M, clearly uncomfortable.  
“If we can't just tell them, we can just let them be,” said Eve.”It is quite cute and all as it is, don't you agree?”  
M and Tanned shook their heads, ‘absolutely and most definitely not’ clearly expressed on their faces. One person from the Q branch agreed with Eve, however.  
“Yeah, it sometimes reminds me of throwing a toy to a big dog who runs after you, wanting to play. But much more scary of course…”  
M groaned and massaged his forehead, an unwelcome image invading his head. They couldn't just let it be. But he didn't want to be the person who tell them to stop being annoying and just start dating, either.  
‘What to do?’

 

At that moment Bond and Q were sitting in the canteen of MI6, some sandwiches and abottle of lemonade between them.  
“There’s a weird rumour going around this place,” Bond began.  
“What a coincidence, I’ve been hearing a strange rumour too.”  
Bond and Q looked at each other.  
““That we are dating.””  
After speaking perfectly in sync (to a degree which would require more than hard practice), they fell silent for a while.  
“Why did you spread a rumour like that?” asked Q.  
“You think I’m the one who spread it?”  
“Well, you don’t have a reputation to ruin whereas I do.”  
“I do have a reputation to protect, thank you very much. Since this rumor began going around the ladies… never mind that, how does this rumour benefit me?”  
Q thought for a while, then nodded.  
“True, if you were trying to seduce me it might be to get hold of new weaponry first or to stop me nagging you about broken equipment, but this doesn't benefit you…”  
“No, I am pretty sure your nagging will get worse in that case. I am sure of it,” Bond interrupted. Q ignored him and continued.  
“...as mere rumours won't change anything. And of course I don't gain anything from a rumour about us dating…” Q held his straw, then drank the lemonade.  
“So it is someone else who spread it. But, rumours only spread when there is a reasonable ground for it. With no foundation, it simply disappears into thin air,” said Bond. Q nodded.  
“Either the person spreading the rumour is twisting the truth, or…”  
“Or we look like we are close.”  
“Why would we?” Bond frowned. Q also frowned.  
“How the hell can people misunderstand and think we are dating?”  
“My thoughts exactly.”  
Meanwhile, people in the canteen were looking at how Bond and Q were sat in a corner table, having an intimate conversation with their heads bowed together, whispering sweetly to each other. It would take some work for this ‘rumour’ to disappear.


End file.
